er than coffee with Scott Adams and two whiteboards? Yes, three or more whiteboards. It's a trick question.

All right, there is so much news today. I'm just going to run through the important stories. I'm going to start at the top with the most important stories and then we'll work down toward the end. I will be eating crow for all of my wrongness about the pandemic. Those of you who like to watch me be wrong, you should wait till the end. But the important stories first, and nothing more important than this one.

A&W root beer has announced that its mascot, Rooty the Great Root Bear, who formerly wore a shirt but no pants, they announced that their bear might be polarizing. Polarizing? It's a bear. The bear might be polarizing if you had no pants. And so now they're going to put pants on their bear. Thank God. You know, I woke up this morning. I'm like, no, pantsless mascots must be fixed now.

You know, this made me think. I've seen a lot of videos of bears in the wild, haven't you? And like sometimes you'll see the grizzlies. The grizzlies will be standing up and they're like eight feet tall, right, when it stands up? It's like, ah, like this. You know what I've never seen is a bear's package. You know, the boy bears. Now because they're standing like this and they're big old bears, I feel like if I were in the woods and one of these grizzly bears attacked me, I'd have two reactions. You know, when I saw the bear and the bear went like this, my first reaction would be, oh no, I'm gonna die. And then my second reaction would be, whoa, you're really packing. Like that's how I imagined it would go because I just figured grizzlies, they got game. I don't know. I just assume that.

Another important story. 60 Minutes and Lesley Stahl was interviewing, I guess, some woman who's going to be in charge of the new government's dietary guidelines, who says that obesity is mostly genetic. Genetic. And that you won't lose weight just by eating less and exercising. So at first I thought, well, that seems contrary to all common sense and all science. But then I thought, oh wait a minute, Scott, back up. It's coming from the government. So now I believe it.

All right, next story, which is also related. I saw a tweet saying that obesity is like the new n-word for the people who are large. Now I remind you that we do not do fat shaming. Don't do fat shaming because, as I often say, if I liked food as much as other people, I might weigh more. That's my entire analysis. So therefore I don't fat shame because I would be one if I liked food more than I do. I just don't. I'm just not crazy about food. You know, I don't like sleep so much. Not big on food. I do them because I have to.

But I saw a tweet from Dr. Anita B. Eden, PhD, who says obesity is the n-word. And her alleged profile says that she's a fat-affirming dietitian with a PhD in body-positive medicine, and she's the author of "Snacks Over Scales" and "Health at Every Happy Meal." She's a feminist ally and her pronouns are she and her. Now here's the funny part. I literally couldn't tell if it was a parody for a few minutes. Like I had to spend some time looking at it. I thought, Anita B. Eden? I need to be eaten? Okay, probably not real.

But the only takeaway from this is that the difference between complete parody and reality is so thin now. It's so thin that you can really get away with parody like crazy because people can't tell. They genuinely can't tell when you're kidding. So the fact that people can't tell when you're kidding, I mean that opens a big opportunity for somebody like me. But you know I would never take advantage of that.

Did you know that China has more than the TikTok app? Oh, they have way more than that. They have an app called WeChat. Now it's mostly used in China, I think, but there are 19 million users of WeChat in the United States. I think mostly Chinese Americans or people with a more direct connection to China. But it does all kinds of things like payments, and you know, it's just like a universal app kind of thing. But apparently there are 19 million American users and China can monitor all their data and they basically know everything about them. That's not too scary, is it?

But speaking of apps from China, I saw on the Wall Street Journal that the Biden administration is considering — so watch out, watch out everybody — they're considering, and when they're considering, that's something. So they're considering doing something about data safety with TikTok. So the Wall Street Journal, apparently along with the Biden administration, are unaware that the risk with TikTok has very little to do with the data. I mean that's important, you know, they should control the data, but they're missing the whole story.

That TikTok and WeChat are literally — well, mostly TikTok is literally, literally, literally — right, you're going to think this is not really the right use of the word literally but no, literally used actually as literally should be used. TikTok is a user interface for the Chinese government to control American minds. Literally. It's literally an interface. It literally controls American minds. It's not a metaphor. It's not an analogy. It's not. It reminds me of just literally an interface to control American minds. No problem.

The Biden administration, but at least they're considering. They're giving a strong consideration. Boy, they're considering it so hard smoke is coming out of their brains. They're considering so hard dealing with something that isn't the issue. The data, also important, but not nearly in